I’ll be honest… I was mad.
My partner had just made blueberry jam on the stove, using fresh honey from his bees.
He brought the spatula in front of my nose to encourage me to try some of the fresh jam, and I placed my mouth gently on it.
Ouch!
That jam was still too hot.
A flash of anger matched the heat on my mouth. Dang!
If I had spoken from that moment, I would have thrown my upset at my sweet boyfriend, who was just glad to share the taste of some yummy jam. I’ve been down that road. It would have led to a fight, and a ruined evening.
Then I did what I’ve learned to do (through trials and TONS of errors).
I took a breath. I gave myself time to respond instead of reacting. Took a big sigh.
As I took the breath I checked in with myself. In that moment I remembered that he didn’t mean to hurt me, and that it’s my responsibility, too, to check the temperature of something BEFORE putting my mouth on it.
I imagined all the fiery energy from my anger literally went down through my feet into the floor and took several more deep breaths.
FIGHT AVERTED.
After I felt calm, I connected with my love and appreciation for my partner and said, “Thank you for sharing the jam.”
From that place of appreciation I made my request. “Honey, next time will you please cool it down for me?”
More importantly than the exact words I said, my tone of voice didn’t have all those angry spikes and barbs it would have had just moments before.
The next time he made jam (with fresh strawberries from our garden!), he set the spoon down and let it cool substantially longer before bringing it to me to try (with a goofy love-filled grin).
Here’s the thing… If someone feels attacked, they may automatically protect themselves. And if they are in fight, flight, or freeze, there’s no way they can hear or respond to your request.
Make sense?
Want help with communication or getting unstuck? I recommend you take me up on a free Beat Burnout Now Strategy Session. Find out more and claim yours now at https://pages.marnaschwartz.com/beat-burnout
Wishing you wholeness and joy,
Marna